Why I Have an ED

This is in response to an email question. "Why I Have an ED"... plus a mini-rant about pro-ana v. pro-recovery at the end. Hope this answers your question.

1. Nature. There are eating disorders throughout my family. My mother has a history of bulimia, my sister has COE, an aunt clearly is orthorexic, and one of my cousins is NOS, like me. In my mind, this points to at least some type of genetic influence.

2. Mental illness. I have bipolar disorder. When I'm extremely unwell, starving takes the edge off a manic episode, and binging is soothing for depression. This points to an ED's nature as a coping mechanism, a red herring for the real problems (such as the ones below).

3. Control. I'm going to be out of a job soon. I don't know what mood I'll be in when I wake up tomorrow. Controlling every calorie that goes in my mouth or out my sweat glands gives me control.

4. Superiority. I feel immensely superior when my co-worker complains that she just had to have another Snickers bar. I have the control to resist. She doesn't. I feel superior when another co-worker complains about how her jeans feel tight. Mine don't.

5. Purity. This is related to both control and superiority. As in many religions, in my world, certain foods are un-pure, including animal flesh, processed foods, foods with hydrogenated oils, etc. There is also an aesthetic quality to having an ED; the act of abstinence is very psychologically rewarding.

6. Attention. I love being known as "the thin one." It distinguishes me.

7. Manipulation. I am emotionally close to but physically distant from my parents. When my mother says "You look like you've lost weight" after having not seen me for a while, I know that she is paying attention to me and that she cares for me. Furthermore, if I'm feeling like she isn't paying attention to or caring for me, I can force her to do so by losing weight.

8. Habit. I remember feeling "fat" in the second grade. I don't know how to live without an ED.

9. Vanity. Let's be honest. I like showing off my bare arms and legs and stomach (fully clothed, ironically enough). I like being able to walk into a store and know that 98% of the clothing will look great on me. I like having large, wide-set eyes. I like turning heads.

10. Society. I saved this for last, because it's the reason I hate the most and about which I feel the most guilty. Our culture worships youth, and youth implies and requires thinness. Just look at our modern idols (actresses, singers, models, everyone that is featured in this journal). Personally, I'm really frustrated, because intellectually I recognize this as blatant discrimination, but emotionally I like thin people better than fat people. I feel like a hypocrite, and I feel ashamed, because I pride myself for being an independent thinker.

So, if I know all of the reasons why I have an ED, why don't I just stop it? Cure myself? Asking why assumes that there is rationale for having an ED. In general, the reason why is because your brain is telling you to, similar to the way that an alcoholic's brain craves alcohol.

There is a part of me that likes having an ED. I know I'm going to get some nasty emails for writing that, from therapists, mothers who have lost daughters, other women caught in ED hell. It's true, though. It's the reason that I identify more with the pro-ana community than the general ED community. The general community demonizes eating disorders and demands that you recover, immediately. There is no room for discussion of triggering feelings, or if there is, it needs to be clearly labeled as such and preferably sanitized. If someone on a message board puts up a photo of Kate Bosworth's chest bones, someone is bound to say that she is perfection personified, someone else is bound to say that she looks sick and it's ridiculous that anyone could find that attractive, and I'm bound to feel like a freak for feeling the way that I do and to censor everything I say and do.

I am completely against the glorification of eating disorders, and I am completely against the demonization of eating disorders. They are a natural response to genetics and the environment, and therefore they should be neither demonized nor glorified.